


Lilili Yabbay (the dance of the 13th month)

by flowersandfairylights



Series: The Seventeen Song oneshots [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Music, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:06:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25756330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersandfairylights/pseuds/flowersandfairylights
Summary: Jihoon always thought he must be dreaming, yet Soonyoung proved him otherwise. Jihoon couldn't be dreaming, the warmth Soonyoung gave him when they hugged can't be his imagination. It just simply can't be."Maybe I'll join you during the next full moon." The shorter said as he smiled softly. "I'd like to try again."
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: The Seventeen Song oneshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1991254
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Lilili Yabbay (the dance of the 13th month)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! It's Felix.
> 
> I've written this in one sitting as it had been spooking around my head for ages. It's not edited thoroughly nor looked over more than 5 times. Just saying. I hope you all still enjoy but beware of an emotional rollercoaster.
> 
> TW/ Death, Suicide, very minor implied self-harm

As Soonyoung moved over the grass Jihoon watched on. His moves were fluent and beautiful, his white clothing flowing in the wind. 

"Hoon, wouldn't you like to join me?" 

Soonyoung kept moving in the moonlight, his gaze strong and vast on Jihoon.

"You know how hard it is for me right?"

"Yeah, ever since you've broken your foot you haven't been the same." Soonyoung sighed. "I just wish you could join me." 

Jihoon sat there thinking. They did this together once in a full moon. The moonlight casted on Soonyoung's face, Jihoon was entranced. The shape of his cheeks and his slanted eyes stood out. His top lip shining, his bottom bitten red in his concentration. Soonyoung was enthralling, he pulled you in. His movements seemed ethereal. His dance made it feel like he got closer to you, that he was able to grace you with his touch and it just left a mark as if the wind only passed by.

Jihoon always thought he must be dreaming, yet Soonyoung proved him otherwise. Jihoon couldn't be dreaming, the warmth Soonyoung gave him when they hugged can't be his imagination. It just simply can't be.

"Maybe I'll join you during the next full moon." The shorter said as he smiled softly. "I'd like to try again."

"I would be more than happy to guide you along the way. Maybe your foot would like a little practice."

"I just hope to get back to a 100% soon, I want to be able to dance with you."

Soonyoung moved towards him, his white shirt still softly moving with the wind. The city lights behind him almost forming a halo, like he was an angel.

"I could help you a little today." Soonyoung whispered when he started leaning closer to Jihoon. "Make this a special night." 

It send shivers down Jihoon's spine. His tummy turning upside down. Soonyoung didn't know what he was doing, Jihoon was sure it wasn't what he intended. That simply just wasn't Soonyoungs character.

The night ended with Jihoon making a few steps around to imaginary music. 

Sadly he had to say goodbye an hour later, as he had to work the next morning.

《☆》

"Soonyoung, where have you been this past month?" Jihoon sounded angry, but his eyes were soft.

"I'm so sorry for leaving without a notice. I promise you it wasn't intended. Wonwoo needed my help with something down in Busan and I really couldn't stay here and let you know. You know how my mother gets."

Jihoon softly smiled, his eyes fully softening, posture lose, as he stepped towards Soonyoung. 

"It's okay Soonie, just don't scare me like that again. I thought I lost you or that I'd never see you again."

"It's fine Ji, I was wrong as well."

The taller took the other in a hug, caressing his back to take out some of the tension.

"My foot is fully healed though, so I can dance again."

Soonyoungs face lit up, a smile taking over. His eyes disappearing.

"Should we try _baby don't stop_ again?"

"I'm a little out of practice but I think we will be fine."

Soonyoung smiled again, blushing as he looked at the ground. Jihoon felt his heart speed up.

"Ji?"

"Yes, Soonie?"

"You danced Taeyong's parts, right?"

"Yes." 

Their eyes met and Jihoon wanted to deny what he was feeling. Yet there was no question behind the feeling in his stomach. It felt like it had sunk to the bottom of his stomach.

_Fuck. I love him, don't I?_

《☆》

"Soonyoung, why are you always wearing white?"

"I like it when I dance Hoonie, you have asked me that before."

"I'm just curious what your normal clothing looks like."

There was a short silence.

"You know that silly, we've been out besides these full moon meetings."

"Not in the past months."

"Yeah but you still saw me wearing normal clothing back in the arcade, right?"

"Oh, yes I almost forgot. Back in August, when we were celebrating Seungcheol hyung his birthday."

"It's been a while already huh."

Jihoon tried filling in the gaps between then and now but even his own birthday was a blur. A sudden pain surged through his skull. Jihoon grabbed his face and almost fell down with the sudden pain. As Soonyoung got closer the pain only surged higher.

"Jihoon? Are you okay?"

"STAY AWAY."

"Ji-"

"I said stay away."

Soonyoung had taken a step back. Giving Jihoon room to breathe and try to catch himself.

Everything felt far away, and it seemed like he heard sirens.

Eventually everything slowed down and Jihoon's breathing became heavy.

《☆》

"What happened last week was scary as hell, did you see a doctor Jihoon?" Soonyoung looked worried and spaced out as he asked Jihoon this.

"From what I remember, yes I have and they said everything seemed fine. I did have to go back if it happens another time."

Jihoon looked up at the full moon.

"The last time it wasn't full moon." 

"It has been barely a week since our last meet up."

"I missed you, why can't we meet more often."

"Jihoon, I feel like you're forgetting a very important thing there."

"What? Why can't we go back to normal? We had new years, it's January now. We should go out for Seungkwan his birthday!" Jihoon got all excited before he saw Soonyoungs face. 

It looked like he was guilty, perhaps sad. Maybe even disappointed? Jihoon couldn't tell. His eyes were far away. 

Soonyoung hid his face in his hands. Jihoon got even more confused but above all concern filled his entire heart. 

Soonyoungs shoulders started to move up and down and small sniffles were heard. Jihoon didn't hesitate to put a hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly Jihoon saw an image of a river and then another short image of their dorms. 

He shook it off as nothing before going back to comforting the older. Soonyoung would always be his priority.

"Ji, I wish you could remember."

It was soft, not meant for Jihoon to hear, yet he did.

_What is it that I'm missing?_

《☆》

"Soonyoung. I love you." Jihoon said before closing the distance between their mouths and kissing the older passionately. Soonyoung didn't hesitate to kiss back and easily took the lead.

Soonyoung detached himself but held Jihoon close.

"I love you too, even if it's too late."

Jihoon was again filled with confusion but he let it slide as Soonyoung kissed him again.

He detached himself for the kiss just like Soonyoung did earlier.

"It's never too late."

Soonyoung smiled softly, Jihoon followed.

"Let's go to your apartment Ji." 

As soon as they walked inside Soonyoung pushed Jihoon against a wall and asked for entrance. They kept making out until they lost their breath, staying close together on the couch.

Yet Soonyoung felt so far for Jihoon.

"Hey, Soonyoung?"

"Yes baby?"

"You're my white lily."

《☆》

"Jihoon, do you know what white lilies actually stand for?"

"No, I think Wonwoo would know more about that than I do." 

"They stand for remembrance."

Jihoon stayed silent and his head started pounding again.

"Soonyoung." It wasn't a question, he said the name more like a statement. With a very serious undertone. "Tell me honestly, am I missing out on something."

"I would be selfish to keep the truth to myself but I want a few more moments just like this, pretending that nothing is wrong."

Jihoon fell silent once again before opening his mouth. He said something Soonyoung didn't expect.

"I want to dance with you. You somehow always make me wait here for you. Let's forget about that and tell me another time. I want to forget everything and just be here in the moment. Make memories."

Soonyoung whispered something in Japanese Jihoon couldn't decipher. Well, the only word he picked up on was _forget_. 

Jihoon decided to let it go and dance. If it really had to end sometime then he would make the best of his last dance. 

《☆》

"Which date is it?"

"It's the 16th full moon of Hoshiru."

Soonyoung sighed before a single tear rolled down his cheek. 

"It's the name of the dance of the 13th month." Soonyoung began, his white clothing slowly turning grey on his sleeve. "You're stuck in the 13th month by dancing with me. But there's a way out by remembering. How painful everything might seem." Soonyoung started bawling and Jihoon sat there besides him pulling the taller in a hug. 

"If anything I'm so sorry for what I've done but I had no other idea. I was.. I was just so miserable. There was nothing to live for and I thought you didn't love me back."

Soonyoung's clothing turned dark in the corner and slowly his full clothing was turning a different colour. 

"I'm so sorry Jihoon. I love you and the other eleven so much. Just know that this wasn't meant to hurt you. I thought you were better off without me."

His full clothing was turning black now. Jihoon more confused then ever, just sat there, tears steaming down his face.

"Soon? Soon, what do you mean? What do you mean you didnt mean to, that we were better of without you?" The smaller his voice cracked at the end. 

"I'm so sorry. Please remember Hoonie. Go back to the others. They need you." 

"Soonyoung! Soonyoung! Shut up, what do you mean." Jihoon was getting desperate and took Soonyoung's face in his hands. 

He was shocked, the older his tears turned a slightly transparent white as they streamed over his cheeks, over Jihoon's hands. 

Jihoon started to sob harder and harder as some memories came back. The last thing he felt and tried to hold onto were Soonyoungs hands that had wrapped around his wrists. 

Jihoon tried to peck Soonyoung one last time but their lips only met for a second. The rest felt like a ghost of a touch, like Soonyoung wasn't there anymore.

《☆》

Sirens wailing, people screaming. Police, ambulance, a fire truck. Everything rushed around Jihoon and the wind. 

Jihoon kept running and running to the familiar park besides their dorms, dodging paparazzi and reporters left and right. Seungcheol was frantically running behind, trying to catch him.

Just as Jihoon saw Soonyoung and wanted to jump into the water Seungcheol grabbed his arm and pulled him against him. Jihoon tried to struggle against his hyungs arms. Sobs raking through his body. But Seungcheol was stronger and held him down.

"We can't do anything Jihoon… we have to wait. Please just sit here with me."

Jihoon and Seungcheol watched as Jeonghan kept the others a little further away. They watched how the lifeless body of Kwon Soonyoung was lifted out of the water. 

Seungcheol was just as tense as Jihoon watching it happen. The pale face of their bandmate coming above as medical staff tried to do their best to see if they could still save him.

Jihoon's instinct kicked in. He sprinted closer but broke his foot while tripping over a root along the way and he lost consciousness.

《☆》

"He's awake."

"W-we… h-hyung. We have to tell him."

Two voices were heard and whispers of many more. Jihoon knew who they were but he didn't hear the voice he loved so dearly anywhere. Memories flooded back as he just woke up.

The room fell silent.

"Where is Soonyoung." Jihoon croaked, focussing on the older ones of the group. They all had puffy eyes. 

His vision fell on the youngest three. They seemed deflated, down. Dark circles and thin wrists. Puffy eyes from crying. They hung close together. 

He beckoned Chan towards him. 

"Chan please come here and give me a hug."

Chan followed and snuggled against Jihoon. 

"He's gone hyung." He heard Chan say softly against his neck, a small sniffle following. Jihoon didn't really register anything until Seungcheol spoke up.

"Hoshi, our star, Soonyoung… is dead. He- h- he drowned… p-p-possible s-suic-" But before Seungcheol could finish he fell against Joshua. The others also starting to cry. Chan now sobbing against his chest.

"Soon, Soonie is… gone? I-I didn't even have to chance to tell him h-how I felt. I lo-love him hyung? And now-now h-he will never know." Jihoon stated sobbing.

Not long after he lost all sense of his surroundings.

《☆》

Jihoon was sobbing against Soonyoung's chest.

"You have to let me go Hoon. Do it for me, go back to the others. You don't belong here yet and I'll see you on the day you're supposed to be here. Together with the rest. We can be 13 again and dance together. But I want you and the others to love your life to the fullest. Maybe in another lifetime, in another timeline we're happy and together. Just not now."

"It's okay Soon, I understand. I am ready to let you go but don't you even think we will ever forget you. Without you there is no booseoksoon, there is no performance team leader, performance team or a choreographer. Without you there is no Seventeen. Don't you think we or the fans will forget you. I love you. And I'll see you again when my time has come. I love you Soonyoung. I will still cry about you, I will still see you in everything we've ever done together. It hurts so much to see you like this, after I remember I only feel pain. It was good to see you here, that I actually have a chance at saying goodbye, although you ahouls always belong by our sides. There is no way to romanticize death or suicide. Grief and depression should never be treated that way and I'll make sure to spread that message."

"I know you will fight Jihoon. Please make music and be there for those who need it. I want everyone to know that they have to be hopeful. To not treat their mental health like it's not important. Be there for those who need it. And I'll see you again."

Jihoon started sobbing again. It was ugly, it was painful. There was no way around it. It hurt and it was going to be tough, for all of them. But they had to fight. To make Soonyoung proud wherever the fuck he might be. They have to fight together. Overcome the grief together and remember Soonyoung in a good way. 

"I'll see you again, Soonie. Please remember that I love you."

"I love you too Jihoon, but you have to let me go."

Soonyoung started to disappear in Jihoon's arms. _It fucking hurts._

《☆》

"It's been three years. I still miss you every single day. We're trying to keep up what I promised you. The group is helping me. We're working on a fund where people can donate to. Everything goes to mental health research and aid for those who don't have enough money to search for help but need it."

"Chan fell into a depression. He skipped practice quite a few times but Cheol and Hannie hyung helped him. He also had a period where he didn't eat. He missed your presence and your compliments, your random dance battles. All those tiny things you'd never thought you would miss. He seems to have gotten better. We gave him a teddy bear he could cuddle when he wanted to give you a hug. Cheol and Hannie also were having a hard time. But they're working together and are aiding one another. I feel like there might be blossoming something between the two between all this chaos."

"Hansol had completely broken down. He always feared the group would fall apart if one would leave but he never expected this to happen. He had hurt himself… Seungkwan found out and it became chaos. They were both scared but grew so much as persons over these three years. I feel like they have been doing better especially with their past traumas. They're working through it and they're opening up more. The both of them."

"The weirdest change when you left us was that Seokmin was silent. He never spoke a word, he hid in his dorm. Jisoo had managed to talk him out of his room a few times but he just sat silently on the corner of the couch and stared into nowhere. It didn't start right away, only a few months ago. I think he had repressed it to the point where it became a foreign thing to him. Grief. And now around your third year he is finally coming to terms with what happened. Sometimes someone randomly bursts out in tears, it pains all of us still everyday. We miss you soonyoung-ah, every single day. It hurts me, us, but were fighting."

《☆》

_October 19th, 2019_

**_BREAKING_ **

_KPOP IDOL ALLEGEDLY COMMITED SUICIDE_

_On thursday morning 8.50 sirens and chaos could be heard around the main park. Earlier that morning someone had called the police because they saw a figure jumping or falling of a rock._

_Later on bypassers saw 12 of the Seventeen members running out of their dorms. Lee Jihoon, better known as Woozi, was running at the front together with their leader, S.Coups._

_Once the body was out of the water Jihoon had sprinted across the park but tripped and lost consciousness while breaking his foot in the process. Landing him in the hospital for several days._

_The body found was identified as Kwon Soonyoung, Hoshi, the performance team leader and choreographer of the group. A post he had left only on fancafe earlier that morning had seemed to be a suicide note, a last goodbye as he opened up about depression and the pressure of the industry. He wished the other members lots of love and good luck._

_The day before the idol had posted a question asking if the fans would stay besides them no matter what happened._

_There has not been any official statement of the company about Hoshi. Neither has their been any update on Woozi's condition. We wish the members a lot of strength and are here to say that we will in no way, shape or form, tolerate hate or bad comments about this subject._

_K-music weekly, Europe edition_

_\- Written by Seo Hyeojun_

《☆》

시선은 너만 보고 있지

오로지 너의 앞에서

13월의 그곳에서

춤을 출거야

너를 위해 Lilili Yabbay

i only see you

i’ll dance

by your side

in the thirteenth month

for you lilili yabbay

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Twt: @StarryNonnie


End file.
